1. More body fragmentation.
The makers of all the things we use to clean and groom ourselves are no idiots. Why sell us one bar of soap when you can sell us seven different kinds of soap (sorry, ‘cleanser’) for seven different body parts? So in 2009, we had marketing campaigns declaring that our armpit skin has rights, our eyelashes need conditioner and our under-eyes need caffeine.
This year, say no to dirty heads with Behind-The-Ear Buffer; brides, make sure your ring finger sparkles on the greatest day of your life with our dedicated Fourth Finger Spa Day; and say good-bye to dull grey pubes with Black Bush (ad slogan: Spruce Up YOUR Map of Tassie).
2. The end of “friendly” packaging.
“Hi, thanks for buying me. You thought you were getting a bottle of orange juice but actually you’ve bought an anthropomorphised label that’s going to sit here and have a lovely little chat with y… WHY HAVE YOU THROWN ME IN THE BIN? I AM RECYCLABLE YOU BASTARD. I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST STARTING TO GET ALONG. WHATEVER, I WAS ONLY PRETENDING TO LIKE YOU.”
3. Personal pronouns before brand names.
I’m boldly predicting that this hideous trend will be over. Not because of a terrible mix-up relating to “Your M&S” and an armful of undies I tried to walk off with without paying. No, it’s because of the existence of My Toilet Cleaner.
It's not mine, it's yours.
Enough! Or at least give us His Toilet Cleaner. “Hi, thanks for buying me. I like nothing more than slowly caressing the side of a dirty toile…” well, I think you get the picture there.
4. Banks being our friends.
After a brief period throwing back to a time when banks marketed themselves as being stable, they’re going to think we’ve forgotten a little incident known as taxpayers’ bailout and start being all fun and friendly again. Well, we haven’t forgotten. Unless we are the advertising ‘creatives’ who work on your account and then, conveniently, we have.
5. There will never be another celebrity ad endorsement ever again.
Not really. I’m pretty certain that even if we all swore to never buy a product endorsed by a celebrity — not even if that celebrity is Martine McCutcheon — they’d still be in ads. But it is a nice thought.
Edited. Oh good God, of course you can already buy pubic hair dye.
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